As a student of BYU Pathway Worldwide, I have classes that last 7 weeks, weeks with lots of reading and hard work. The class I'm taking is "Parenting Skills" and I need to give a little context here. 2026 has started with a family challenge that puts our lives upside down. We live at home with the younger two, teenagers (17 & 14) There was something happening that challenged us from the deepest, and even shook our hearts and feelings. At the beginning we felt sad... Personally I felt I have failed "them" as a mom. I struggled hard, and cried even harder. This was a humbling time, with a lot of learning. First of all, acknowledging I don't need to "do it all alone", even though I probably can, that I can rely on my husband and we can do it together (shouldn’t it be obvious? Maybe not…). And we started, searching for help, praying for help and guidance, reading, studying, etc. And I started feeling there actually was a way of putting it all together; it's in that moment of pondering when the block began.
Yes, we did a lot of things, but I was having doubts and sometimes felt lost. Then I started feeling I needed to "come back" to be myself. I had somehow abandoned everything that wasn't "the thing" (let's call it that way) And I started having some ideas of "selfcare" when the first week of study arrived... You wouldn't guess the topic: "Care for self" And I felt that synchronicity as an answer…
I was really pondering that, “I need to take time for myself, I can’t hold others if I can’t hold me” … And the first reading was a quote, from President Marion G. Romney, (1982)
"Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak."
("The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance" October 1982 General Conference)
What a powerful thought, how can I properly care for my children if I don’t care for myself? If my shelves are empty; I cannot take anything from there. How can I care for my children if I am not caring for my relationship with my spouse? My answer was in the Parenting Pyramid, by the Arbinger Company (1998). I learned that it doesn’t begin with the correction. I'll share the pyramid and a brief explanation:
My analysis is based in questions, starting from up to down with the following one:
Am I correcting my children without teaching them first? What I learnt is that I need to create trust so, when it's time to teach, they will pay attention because us, parents, paid attention, and listened first.
And because it can't be any other way, correction is based on the relationship with our children, how do I relate with them? If there's distance (it has happened with our kids) because we "are too busy" they don't rely on us, how can we teach them? We need to strengthen the bonds with them before being able to teach. And then, we can teach because we have that bond. Bonds are strengthened by sharing time together and listening, what “they say in the words they don’t actually say”.
"The effectiveness of our correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship." (Arbinger, 1998)
Then comes the realization that the kind of relationship we have with our kids will relate to the kind of relationship we have with our spouse. The marital relationship is not isolated; it is central for the family. Someone once said (Arbinger 1998):
“A woman happy with her husband is better for her children than a hundred books on child welfare.”
So, my relationship with my spouse will be the base to the relationship with our children, and once there is a relationship that includes respect and trust, we will be able to teach and be listened to, and even correct when needed.
But we still have one more step. What I felt back in the beginning of this year was the "it", WHO AM I? The way I really am, not the way I speak or move, not the lovely words... the way of being.
"Our personal way of being directly affects every other part of the pyramid." (Arbinger 1998)
And we have coherence in the pyramid, based on a way of being where we take care of ourselves so our shelves are not empty, and care for our marriage. Then we can build and/or strengthen the bond with children and once we are there, they are ready to listen to our teachings, and accept our corrections if needed. There might be times, also, that we need an urgent correction, no time to create the whole base… then we will need to remember basing that correction in the 3 more profound stages: Care for self, the relationship with the spouse and the relationship with children.
“In such extreme circumstances it may be a long time before we are in a position to teach. But that’s precisely what the pyramid reminds us: premature teaching will not be effective anyway. As we are patient, and as we do all we can where we can, we can make a deep and genuine difference in the life of even the most unhappy child.” (Arbinger 1998)
Maybe we rushed the correction, maybe we and them weren’t ready, and now is time to pause and recalculate, pause while acting, while applying, while changing… because that is life too.
And I loved learning this!!! Like a glove, so accurate…
Cora.
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