Care for self... a change of mindset

 This BYU block (I am a student of BYU Pathway Worldwide) last 7 weeks, weeks with lots of reading and hard work. The class I'm taking is "Parenting Skills" and I need to give a little context here. 2026 has started with a family challenge that put our lives upside down. We live at home with the younger two, teenagers (17 & 14) There was something happening that challenged us from the deepest, and even shook our hearts and feelings. At the beginning we felt sad... Personally I felt I have failed "them" as a mom. I struggled hard, and cried even harder. This was a humbling time, with a lot of learning. First of all, acknowledging I don't have to "do it all alone", even though I probably can, that I can rely in my husband and we can do it together. And we started, searching for help, praying for help and guidance, reading, studying, etc. And I started feeling there was a way of putting altogether; is there when the block begins.

Yes, we did a lot of things, but I was having doubts and sometimes we felt lost. Then I started feeling I needed to "come back" myself. I abandoned everything that wasn't "the thing" (let's call it that way) And I started having some ideas of "selfcare" when first week of study arrived... You wouldn't guess the topic: "Care for self" There were my answers getting altogether. 

That week I was really pondering that, “I need to take time for myself, I can’t hold others if I can’t hold me” … And the first reading was a quote, from President Marion G. Romney, as he mentioned (1982)

"Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak."

("The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance" October 1982 General Conference)

What a powerful thought, how can I properly care for my children if I don’t care for myself? If my shelves are empty; I cannot take anything from there. My answer was in the Parenting Pyramid, by the Arbinger Company (1998). Through a story, I learned to understand it. And one of the important things I learned was that it doesn’t begin with the correction. I'll share the pyramid and a brief explanation:

The analysis is based in questions, starting from up to down with the following one: 

Am I Correcting My Children Without Teaching Them? What I've learnt is that I need to create trust so, when it's time to teach they are able to listen and pay attention because us, parents, paid attention, and listened first. 

And because it can't be other way, correction is based in the relationship with our children, how do I relate with them? If there's distance (it had happened with our kids) because we "are too busy" they don't rely on us, how can we teach them? We need to strengthen the bonds with them before being able to teach. And then, we can teach because we have that bond. 

"The effectiveness of our correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship." (Arbinger, 1998)

Then it comes the realization that the kind of relationship we have with our kids will relate to the kind of relationship we have with our spouse. The marital relationship is not isolated; it is central for the family. Someone once said (Arbinger 1998):

“a woman happy with her husband is better for her children than a hundred books on child welfare.” 

So, the relationship with the spouse will be base to the relationship with children, and once there is a relationship that includes respect and trust, we will be able to teach and be listened, and even correct when needed.

But we still have one more step. What I felt back in the beginning of this year was the "it", HOW AM I? The way I really am, not the way I speak or move, not the lovely words... the way of being. 

"Our personal way of being directly affects every other part of the pyramid." (Arbinger 1998)

So, we have the coherence in the pyramid, based on a way of being were we take care of ourselves so our shelves are not empty, and care of our marriage – and it includes listening and changing if needed, learning and becoming a reliable person to the other. Then we can build and/or strength the bond with the children and once we are there, they are ready for us to teach, and correct when needed. But many times, and, because this is a preventive practice, we will not need to apply the correction.

And yes, there might be times when the correction has to be done immediately, and we will need to remember basing that correction in the 3 more profound stages. 

“This is the time to begin identifying, and doing, the kinds of things that the deepest levels of the pyramid recommend. It is the time for greater goodness, for greater emphasis on our marriage, for any ways—however small—to help rebuild affection. In such extreme circumstances it may be a long time before we are in a position to teach. But that’s precisely what the pyramid reminds us: premature teaching will not be effective anyway. As we are patient, and as we do all we can where we can, we can make a deep and genuine difference in the life of even the most unhappy child.” (Arbinger 1998)

And I loved learning this!!! Like a glove, so accurate…

Cora.