Praising to motivate?

I think one of the hardest challenges in life, especially in this 21st century,  is how we feel about ourselves. I believe in this world there are two forces, one that leads us towards Jesus and His light; and the other that leads to a dark place, a place that makes us feel lost. 

There's a story in the Scriptures about Moses, he faced Heavenly Father once and the Lord's glory was upon him, so he could endureth, in Moses 1:4 the Lord tells Moses, "behold, thou art my son", and in verses 6 and 7 He says again, "Moses, my son"... affirming Moses he was a son of Heavenly Father, as we are. Once the Lord leaves Moses, Satan comes and the first thing he says is: "Moses, son of man"... (verse 12) So one of the forces teaches us we have a divine origin and inheritance, but the other tells us we are only human, just a mortal.

When we are little, we usually are confident, but staying in this world makes us lose that confidence. We start doubting, comparing, and feeling "not good enough", so learning about praise and bribes was really important. 

We, as parents, want our kids to feel their best, so we try to motivate them, and when it doesn't work, we feel tempted and sometimes even fall for it, and we bribe our kids. And I wonder... is bribery bad? Why do we praise our kids? Does it even help?

I'll share some quotes of what I've learned, and a story...

Dr. Steve Dennis from BYU Idaho stated "bribes seldom, if ever, inspire continued efforts." Bribes don't effectively motivate children in the long run. They buy temporary compliance, but do little to change the heart or long-term interest in the enterprise for which the reward has been given." And the question would come... What about rewards? And what's the difference between bribes and rewards? 

"The problem comes when parents use rewards or punishments that are neither authentic nor logical (but) arbitrary and have no connection to the situation… grounding a child from television or computer access would be an arbitrary consequence that lacks the instructive focus of natural or logical consequences. Actively teaching, modeling, and cultivating a love for the internal and authentic reasons for acting will help children become agents unto themselves. The scriptures teach, "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward." (D&C 58:27-28)." (Ginott)

The thing is, every decision brings consequences attached, natural ones are like: you go out with no coat under the rain, you'll get wet. But when we parents lose our temper and feel frustrated, sometimes we don't have more tools and decide a punishment that, we think, will teach them. Without any logic, without sense. So our kids end up feeling misunderstood, invisible, and feeling what they think is not important. We don't feel better about punishment. Another tool, a very dangerous one if you allow me, is bribing. "If you do so and so (a condition) I'll give you..." (something they want) because this teaches our children that for every effort they will be paid, even efforts that they should do because it's a responsibility. And that, that doesn't teach anything. They do, mostly for the bribe, but they don't learn, not even enjoy,  and it doesn't last. As I quoted before, “buying temporary compliance”.

A reward is more natural. If you study, you'll approve. Even the Lord rewards us, if we obey the Sabbath (His holy day) we will have promised blessings. 

And believe me when I say bribe doesn't work. A year and a half ago I was in front of an issue. Something one of my children didn't want to do, yet I believed was important. So I "negotiate", if he/she does for a year, I'll give... we put a prize. And the thing was done. For a year. Not a single extra day. Nothing was real, but the prize. Nothing produced a change, an understanding, not even a belief. My child did, and I never realized it wasn't true. It was a stage. I had to do what I promised. There were no earnings. And the feeling was awful. No, it didn't work. 

Now we have the challenge of teaching what was really behind the expected behavior but not knowing if it will ever produce an outcome. It was hard, it is hard. But I learned. And when we studied this, I felt it was so personal!

Yes, we can and want to be motivated. Yes, they need it, they need feeling that we believe in them, they need the processes, they need our cheer on, but in a way that motivates, in a way that teaches. In a way that makes them realize life has rewards, in a way that changes lives, hopefully for the better. 

What's next…? I don't know, we don't know. But I never quit before, nor will I quit now!

                                                                  Cora

What about anger?

 Well, maybe I just came like a tsunami with a bunch of information and not so much about me... 

So, let's talk a little, I haven't come here in many years, and life has changed a lot! I'm still married - this year we will be 30 years! - and we have 4 children. These last years the older had married and moved away to another city, about 900 km away. Of course, I miss her but I am also happy for her progress! The second has moved too, to another city, about 1000 km away. I miss her too but she has grown so much. Both of them are beautiful women now. And at home there's the remain, the kiddos, the younger two. 

As I see it, 2018 was a year that put everything upside down, 2019 was a year that chaos started to be felt, and 2020… wow, this was a very odd year. Also 2021… 2022 was a year to re-start life, 2023 a year to start traveling again, which we happily did! And 2024 was a crisis year. That year, some responsibilities took from us parents all of the "free time" we had, and we didn't realize how much we were neglecting our children that time. Our relationship started struggling because of that lack of time, and yet we didn't realize, and of course (as I told in the last post) if the relationship between us, spouses, wasn't okay, the relationship with the kids wasn't either. I still remember an evening, and I remember it because it was like a punch. I was talking with the kids, and suddenly dad said something. Both of them looked at him, turned around and kept on talking like nobody was there. That was hard... but I saw! He was almost every weekend away, and during the week we didn't cross paths too much either. That was wrong, that was gonna bring us sorrow. And eventually, it did.

And what about anger? Well, that's something that I learned from this block too! 2024 brought me a lot of anger and frustration. Especially because I felt lonely. I had to be present but was too tired, children were growing and we started having some challenges. Anger was common, and actually it's not bad (is natural) if it moves us to action or to establish some healthy boundaries. But not that good if we only get mad and react unappropriately with children when they misbehave, or we feel they do. William J. Doherty stated: "To many parents, anger is one short step away from verbal and physical abuse of children. But anger is a normal human emotion that signals "something's got to change here — right now." Without anger, parents are wishy-washy in the face of their children's willfulness." So we can see this really is necessary, but not if we lose our temper. Actually, Doherty also stated: "The new parenting problem is "anger phobia." We end up with bland parents who refuse to ever show anger to their children. They consequently lack authority and allow their children to walk over them." So we need a healthy amount of anger, enough to act, but not so much to become aggressive. 

We also studied the words of the prophets, these last year's prophets. And I was reminded of a scripture in Doctrine & Covenants 121: 43, quote: "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;" I was very young (probably not 18 yet) when president Gordon B. Hinkley spoke about it, and he said if we are angry, Holy Ghost leaves that person and place, He gets offended by screams and mistreat, so that reproving isn't guided by Him. This impacted me, I was always told that their unkind reproves were driven by the Holy Ghost, and it was the way; yet it wasn't. President Brigham Young said: "Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you" (Discourses of Brigham Young, 1954) and that touched my heart, love instead of hate, study them and their dispositions. So we can figure out firsthand when they are able to listen and even how to speak so we can reach their hearts. If we have their trust they will listen.

Not so long ago, President of the Church of Jesus Christ, Russell M Nelson (2023), taught us: 

Being a peacemaker is a challenge, especially at home, yet the most important place to choose to be a peacemaker. As parents this might mean taking a time to breathe and think twice about what to say, how to act. 

I love my family, that's for sure, and even when so much time has passed, I'm open to learn, and change, and make "my" best effort, actually the best effort. Let's keep on learning, and re writing life 🫶🏼

                        Cora

Care for self... a change of mindset

 This BYU block (I am a student of BYU Pathway Worldwide) last 7 weeks, weeks with lots of reading and hard work. The class I'm taking is "Parenting Skills" and I need to give a little context here. 2026 has started with a family challenge that put our lives upside down. We live at home with the younger two, teenagers (17 & 14) There was something happening that challenged us from the deepest, and even shook our hearts and feelings. At the beginning we felt sad... Personally I felt I have failed "them" as a mom. I struggled hard, and cried even harder. This was a humbling time, with a lot of learning. First of all, acknowledging I don't have to "do it all alone", even though I probably can, that I can rely in my husband and we can do it together. And we started, searching for help, praying for help and guidance, reading, studying, etc. And I started feeling there was a way of putting altogether; is there when the block begins.

Yes, we did a lot of things, but I was having doubts and sometimes we felt lost. Then I started feeling I needed to "come back" myself. I abandoned everything that wasn't "the thing" (let's call it that way) And I started having some ideas of "selfcare" when first week of study arrived... You wouldn't guess the topic: "Care for self" There were my answers getting altogether. 

That week I was really pondering that, “I need to take time for myself, I can’t hold others if I can’t hold me” … And the first reading was a quote, from President Marion G. Romney, as he mentioned (1982)

"Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak."

("The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance" October 1982 General Conference)

What a powerful thought, how can I properly care for my children if I don’t care for myself? If my shelves are empty; I cannot take anything from there. My answer was in the Parenting Pyramid, by the Arbinger Company (1998). Through a story, I learned to understand it. And one of the important things I learned was that it doesn’t begin with the correction. I'll share the pyramid and a brief explanation:

The analysis is based in questions, starting from up to down with the following one: 

Am I Correcting My Children Without Teaching Them? What I've learnt is that I need to create trust so, when it's time to teach they are able to listen and pay attention because us, parents, paid attention, and listened first. 

And because it can't be other way, correction is based in the relationship with our children, how do I relate with them? If there's distance (it had happened with our kids) because we "are too busy" they don't rely on us, how can we teach them? We need to strengthen the bonds with them before being able to teach. And then, we can teach because we have that bond. 

"The effectiveness of our correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship." (Arbinger, 1998)

Then it comes the realization that the kind of relationship we have with our kids will relate to the kind of relationship we have with our spouse. The marital relationship is not isolated; it is central for the family. Someone once said (Arbinger 1998):

“a woman happy with her husband is better for her children than a hundred books on child welfare.” 

So, the relationship with the spouse will be base to the relationship with children, and once there is a relationship that includes respect and trust, we will be able to teach and be listened, and even correct when needed.

But we still have one more step. What I felt back in the beginning of this year was the "it", HOW AM I? The way I really am, not the way I speak or move, not the lovely words... the way of being. 

"Our personal way of being directly affects every other part of the pyramid." (Arbinger 1998)

So, we have the coherence in the pyramid, based on a way of being were we take care of ourselves so our shelves are not empty, and care of our marriage – and it includes listening and changing if needed, learning and becoming a reliable person to the other. Then we can build and/or strength the bond with the children and once we are there, they are ready for us to teach, and correct when needed. But many times, and, because this is a preventive practice, we will not need to apply the correction.

And yes, there might be times when the correction has to be done immediately, and we will need to remember basing that correction in the 3 more profound stages. 

“This is the time to begin identifying, and doing, the kinds of things that the deepest levels of the pyramid recommend. It is the time for greater goodness, for greater emphasis on our marriage, for any ways—however small—to help rebuild affection. In such extreme circumstances it may be a long time before we are in a position to teach. But that’s precisely what the pyramid reminds us: premature teaching will not be effective anyway. As we are patient, and as we do all we can where we can, we can make a deep and genuine difference in the life of even the most unhappy child.” (Arbinger 1998)

And I loved learning this!!! Like a glove, so accurate…

Cora.

Escribir... Escribirme...

 Perdida

Alguna vez te sentiste perdida? Sí, sirve para entenderlo esas veces que nos perdemos geográficamente, miramos alrededor, no ubicamos lo conocido. A veces ni los colores, la sensación es horrible. No sabés si gritar, sentir pánico, llorar, salir corriendo pero... Dónde!? 

Cuando entré a la edad adulta, donde en lugar de estar rodeada de voces que me decían: "sí podes, vamos, no aflojes!" (Aunque sólo fueran voces internas) me encontré en un mundo lleno de "tenés que..." "Depende de vos" "No lo vas a lograr" "Cómo se te ocurre!?"... Voces acusadoras, demandantes... Me sentí perdida pero era chica, apenas una mujercita en lo que se reconoce en el mundo como "edad" de adulta... Quise seguir mi corazón estudiando, pero no encontré algo que me hiciera vibrar alto, tomé entonces lo que encontré, no vibraba pero sentía que había algo en ese camino... Encontré voces que me animaban pero a caminos oscuros, algunos incluso los transité por un tiempo. Me iba perdiendo... Lo que quedaba de fueguito dentro mío dejó de iluminar... Si ni yo sabía cómo sentirlo y mantenerlo vivo. Anduve entre personas llenas de oscuridad. Quizás me eran espejos pero no lo sabía. Escapé de mis emociones, ese de todos modos era un hábito aprendido en la niñez. "No llores", llorar es de débiles, y las nenas fuertes no lloran. Sino "mirá a tu mamá, es débil, llora... Y es floja!" Ay si me habrán marcado esas palabras abuela! Entonces no lloré... Esa tarde en la que comenzó la pérdida de mi inocencia, de mi niñez, y comenzó lo precoz de la adolescencia aún cuando no tenía edad... Esa tarde no lloré, necesitaba ser fuerte. Llorar ha sido de las cosas más difíciles de hacer, y aún hoy no me sale muchas veces. (Igual no llorar socialmente no me ayudó nada, porque entonces fui la insensible, la que no "siente"... Pero volviendo...) En ese entrar a ser adulta empecé a aplicar lo que había aprendido de escapar de las emociones, me obsesioné con el cuerpo, no por amor no... Luego me decanté por comer... Y otras cosas que no voy a mencionar pero me hicieron daño. Es que... Esperaban tanto de mí! Pero nadie me decía por dónde ir... Nadie me mostraba un camino... Lo sé, lo sé, hay que elegir lo que nos enciende ese fueguito interno. Pero el mío estaba moribundo, no había pasión... Ya no había llama, apenas brasas que se irían apagando poco a poco. En esos años me encontré como quien se pierde entre las calles, dejé de reconocerme, dejé de sentir pasión... Empecé a caminar como autómata, estudiaba, trabajaba para otros... Nada era como quería, pero estoy segura que de una forma u otra lo entendés, hasta quizás lo sentís...

Al crecer, algo que si no sabés que sucederá o qué hacer trae mucho dolor, que es perder amigas y amigos... Duele, muchísimo. Esa amiga de toda la adolescencia que eligió un novio (hoy esposo) maltratador y no pude, ni salvarla ni quedarme. Ese amigo que no entendió la amistad y ésta, que me era tan preciada, quedó en el camino. La carrera que me decía "quién era", porque en ese momento todos creían que eras lo que hacías, lo que estudiabas... Hoy puedo reírme y decir ¡Nada que ver! Pero en ese momento, me era muy cierto... Y yo estudiaba porque amo aprender, porque en el camino de estudiar me encontré con grandes pasiones, como historia, que no podía estudiar por distancia y falta de recursos, pero no quería "ser" esa profesión! Hoy creo que siempre supe que no me iba a recibir. Y no lo hice. (Mala mía...?)

En el camino, escuchando a un chamullero decirme que era el "amor de su vida" y mirándolo sobre el hombro con absoluto desagrado, sí era así de jodida, le dije "claro que no lo soy!" esa persona me producía repelencia. Ese día me dí cuenta que aún tenía sentimientos muy intensos por uno de mis primeros novios, y empecé a buscar formas de encontrármelo. No iba a ser difícil, él iba a tomar mates con mi papá... Nos encontramos, nos miramos, mates de por medio llegó el encuentro más intenso de mi vida, la fuerza de es encuentro fue tanta, fue como las olas rompiendo en la orilla, ese beso del reencuentro, las sensaciones en la piel, todo se rompió y se volvió a juntar y ambos supimos que o íbamos tras ese fuego conjunto o nos iba a quemar... Lo recuerdo y siento la intensidad, yo necesitaba eso en mi vida, algo que me de pasión, que me motive. Y nos casamos... No, no me había encontrado, seguía perdida pero me sentía bien con él, y con el papel nuevo de esposa... Tampoco me sabía perdida, hoy tanto tiempo después es que miro atrás y lo veo... Vaya que lo estaba! Caminaba automatizada por una sociedad llena de automatismos y no veía nada. Mis sentimientos suelen ser como las olas del mar, me llevan, me mecen, a veces están en calma... Pero también hay tormentas y las olas arrastran y rompen... Hunden. Siempre me sentí atraída al agua, me serena... Y al fuego, me apasiona y también, a veces me relaja. Pero ambos me dan también mucho miedo. Por lo pronto, ser adulta parecía estarme saliendo bien. En general las personas parecían aprobar mis nuevas elecciones, y mi compañero me gustaba y me apasionaba... Dejé el estudio porque, ya lo dije, no quería "ser" eso. Me dediqué a mi hogar, era lindo, intenso... Vinieron dos hijas... Y al nacer ambas, me perdí aún más. Mi esposo siempre me acompañó y respetó pero él, no tenía idea qué duro era empezar el embarazo anhelado con un cuerpo y terminar con otro, mirarte al espejo y no reconocerte, que el cuerpo no responda cómo antes, encontrar que una vida te demanda, el cuerpo y el alma... Él no supo lo que lloré, ahí sí lloré, pero sola... Y ese proceso posterior al parto que ninguna madre debería pasar sola y yo... No tenía muchas amigas, y las que tenía preferían no hablar del tema, mi madre estaba ausente (normal) y con mi suegra no había mucha relación. Así que estaba sin tribu, presionada por un pediatra hombre que tenía menos sensibilidad que una roca, que no tenía idea... Yo más perdida que nunca, desconectada de un cuerpo que era mío pero no lograba sentir mío... Esta vez podría describirlo como que estaba en medio de la nada, sin caminos marcados, no es que hubiera alguno para elegir. Nada. Ni diferenciación entre cielo y tierra... Yo ahí en el medio, sola, dando tumbos.

CONTINUARÁ... CONTINUARÉ.

7 years latter

 Here I am, it's been 7 years since I started this blog, I didn’t even know if I had closed it, but I didn't! And, after 2020 (WHAT A YEAR!!!) moving through 2021 I got back to study, first Pathway Connect, during the hardest year (2020), and now doing Social Media Marketing, my first certificate. How did I end in this certificate? Well... When you are doing Pathway you can choose a certificate, and I decided to do so. At the beginning I thought I could do the ones that are similar to ontological coaching, this is what I truly like. But every time I took the survey - even changing the answers - the first option was Social Media Marketing. So, I pondered this idea and felt prompted to follow this path. I was so nervous, and thinking all the time this wasn't the right option... And even when I liked the introductory subject, I still doubted. When I did the second one, I got more into the idea, I use social media since 2008, in several platforms, so I was familiar with many of them. Plus, during 2020 and what's been of 2021 things have changed a lot, and "online" is the language. I'm still scared, I'm still pondering what am I going to do with this knowledge, yet I can see myself as a communicator, which is the degree at the end of this career. 

Life has changed; I have changed. I don’t know what life has for me, but I’m willing to strive, and move along with life.

Oh, and that is my lovely bobtail Uma, she's also part of the process.

 

Un comienzo... otro comienzo(?

Hola! Empecé este blog varias veces, y por diferentes razones cada vez, pero nunca tuve la constancia de seguirlo... Esta vez lo empiezo por la que creo que es la razón más real. La primera vez fue porque pensé que era una buena forma de comunicarme con otras personas, bien... dado que soy algo fanna de las redes sociales, no funcionó porque me comunico por allí. Y lo abandoné, por algunos años... Entonces me enganché en un desafío de crochet para el que necesitaba un blog, pero tampoco funcionó porque no fui constante y al final lo abandoné... Al desafío junto con el blog. 
El 2015 me encontró en medio de una gran transformación personal, saliendo de una depresión de la que en algún momento hablaré y en medio de una necesidad de expresarme muy grande... Entonces recordé el blog, especialmente porque sigo muchos blogs de mamis, de mamis que son mujeres, de mujeres que son mamis... Que luchan por conciliar, sin perderse a sí mismas en el camino, y que comparten lo que van aprendiendo, una experiencia, un día, un paso a la vez. Eso se ha llegado a convertir en la expresión de lo que yo misma siento, como si hubieran puesto en sus palabras lo que yo siento, entonces pensé "sería bueno poner lo que siento en mis propias palabras, quizás entonces se conviertan en las de alguien más que necesita expresar lo que siente." Por eso, con una decisión renovada, con otras cosas en mente, con ganas de compartir lo que vivo, lo que aprendo, pedacitos de mi a través de este pedacito de la red.... es que regreso, renovando el blog como si hoy fuera mi primer día en él, Y LO ES! Desde este rinconcito voy a compartir mis aprendizajes, mis experiencias, mi rinconcito en el mundo, algunas publicaciones de otros blogs que me ayudan e inspiran, y sé que quedará aquí un pedacito de mi ser, de mi estar siendo, de mi estar siendo cada día un poco más, un poco diferente a ayer, definitivamente diferente a mañana! 
Me siento feliz de estar acá, porque quiero hacerlo, porque me siento feliz de mi vida, y quiero compartirlo!!!!!!! 
Hasta el próximo post!!!

Let's say the truth, I love English so... most of my posts will be posted on both languages...

A new beginning...
Hello! I have to say that I started this blog several times (througout many years), for different reazons but never had the constancy of going on... The first time I did it was cause I thought it would be a very nice way of being in contact with friends... Well I am a social media fan, so I usually comunicate there... And it didn't work! Next time I needed a blog for a Crochet challenge, but ended leaving the Challenge as much as the blog. 
 2015 found me in a deep personal transformation, getting out from a long depression time (what I'm going to talk about some other time) and wanting to express myself, so I remembered the blog  (it was still here! Wow!) The last years I've followed some blogs, most of them are written by moms who are women as well, and try to reconcile and not loose themselves by the way, and they share what they learn, an experience, a day, a step at a time. And many times their words become mine... So I thought "it would be good to write my experiences and learnigs and thoughts by myself" So, with a renewed desition, and wanting to share what I live, and learn, and some of the posts that help and inspire me; the place where I live, and little pieces of me in this little corner on the web.
And every day I am being, a bit different than yesterday, definitely not the same than tomorrow.
I feel very happy to be here, cause I wanna be here, and I feel happy with my life. 
See you next post!!!!!!