Praising to motivate?

I think one of the hardest challenges in life, especially in this 21st century,  is how we feel about ourselves. I believe in this world there are two forces, one that leads us towards Jesus and His light; and the other that leads to a dark place, a place that makes us feel lost. 

There's a story in the Scriptures about Moses, he faced Heavenly Father once and the Lord's glory was upon him, so he could endureth, in Moses 1:4 the Lord tells Moses, "behold, thou art my son", and in verses 6 and 7 He says again, "Moses, my son"... affirming Moses he was a son of Heavenly Father, as we are. Once the Lord leaves Moses, Satan comes and the first thing he says is: "Moses, son of man"... (verse 12) So one of the forces teaches us we have a divine origin and inheritance, but the other tells us we are only human, just a mortal.

When we are little, we usually are confident, but staying in this world makes us lose that confidence. We start doubting, comparing, and feeling "not good enough", so learning about praise and bribes was really important. 

We, as parents, want our kids to feel their best, so we try to motivate them, and when it doesn't work, we feel tempted and sometimes even fall for it, and we bribe our kids. And I wonder... is bribery bad? Why do we praise our kids? Does it even help?

I'll share some quotes of what I've learned, and a story...

Dr. Steve Dennis from BYU Idaho stated "bribes seldom, if ever, inspire continued efforts." Bribes don't effectively motivate children in the long run. They buy temporary compliance, but do little to change the heart or long-term interest in the enterprise for which the reward has been given." And the question would come... What about rewards? And what's the difference between bribes and rewards? 

"The problem comes when parents use rewards or punishments that are neither authentic nor logical (but) arbitrary and have no connection to the situation… grounding a child from television or computer access would be an arbitrary consequence that lacks the instructive focus of natural or logical consequences. Actively teaching, modeling, and cultivating a love for the internal and authentic reasons for acting will help children become agents unto themselves. The scriptures teach, "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward." (D&C 58:27-28)." (Ginott)

The thing is, every decision brings consequences attached, natural ones are like: you go out with no coat under the rain, you'll get wet. But when we parents lose our temper and feel frustrated, sometimes we don't have more tools and decide a punishment that, we think, will teach them. Without any logic, without sense. So our kids end up feeling misunderstood, invisible, and feeling what they think is not important. We don't feel better about punishment. Another tool, a very dangerous one if you allow me, is bribing. "If you do so and so (a condition) I'll give you..." (something they want) because this teaches our children that for every effort they will be paid, even efforts that they should do because it's a responsibility. And that, that doesn't teach anything. They do, mostly for the bribe, but they don't learn, not even enjoy,  and it doesn't last. As I quoted before, “buying temporary compliance”.

A reward is more natural. If you study, you'll approve. Even the Lord rewards us, if we obey we will have promised blessings, the law is stated, the promisses too, you know what to expect.

And believe me when I say bribe doesn't work. A year and a half ago I was in front of an issue. Something one of my children didn't want to do, yet I believed was important. So I "negotiate", if he/she does for a year, I'll give... we put a prize. And the thing was done. For a year. Not a single extra day. Nothing was real, but the prize. Nothing produced a change, an understanding, not even a belief. My child did, and I never realized it wasn't true. It was a stage. I had to do what I promised. There were no earnings. And the feeling was awful. No, it didn't work. 

Now we have the challenge of teaching what was really behind the expected behavior but not knowing if it will ever produce an outcome, we have already lost a year and plus. It was hard, it is hard. But I learned. And when we studied this, I felt it was so personal! 

Yes, we can and want to be motivated. Yes, they need it, they need feeling that we believe in them, they need the processes, they need us cheering on, but in a way that motivates, in a way that teaches, in a way that help them see they have progressed, learned, changed and so on. In a way that makes them realize life has rewards, in a way that changes lives, hopefully for the better. 

What's next…? I don't know, we don't know. But I never quit before, nor will I quit now!

                                                                  Cora

What about anger?

Well, maybe I just came like a tsunami with a bunch of information and not so much about me... 

So, let's talk a little, I haven't come here in many years, and life has changed a lot! I'm still married - this year we will be 30 years! - and we have 4 children. These last years the older had married and moved away to another city, about 900 km away. Of course, I miss her but I am also happy for her progress! The second has moved, to a different city too, about 1000 km away. I miss her too but she has grown so much, I'm happy for them. Both are beautiful women now. And at home there's the remain, the kiddos, the younger two. 

As I see it, 2018 was a year that put everything upside down, 2019 was a year that chaos started to be felt, and 2020 and 2021… wow, these were very odd years. 2022 was a year to re-start life, 2023 a year to start traveling again, which we happily did! And 2024 was a crisis year. That year, some responsibilities took from us parents all of the "free time" we had, and we didn't realize how much we were neglecting our children that time. Our relationship started struggling because of that lack of time, and yet we didn't realize, and of course (as I told in the last post) if the relationship between spouses wasn't okay, the relationship with the kids wasn't either. This lack of presence, even when I was at home most of my time, had hard interests, and we lost precious time, precious opportunities, and eventually, precious relationships were put in a second place, not even noticing it was happening...

And what about anger? Well, that's something that I learned from this block too! 2024 brought me a lot of anger and frustration. Especially because I felt lonely. I had to be present but was too tired, children were growing and we started having some challenges. Anger was common in me, and even when it isn't actually bad (is natural) if it moves us to action or to establish some healthy boundaries, if this is just getting mad and screaming or punishing because of tiredness or lack of tools... then it's not necessarily good either. 

William J. Doherty stated: "To many parents, anger is one short step away from verbal and physical abuse of children. But anger is a normal human emotion that signals "something's got to change here — right now." Without anger, parents are wishy-washy in the face of their children's willfulness." So we can see this really is necessary, but not if we lose our temper. Actually, Doherty also stated: "The new parenting problem is "anger phobia." We end up with bland parents who refuse to ever show anger to their children. They consequently lack authority and allow their children to walk over them." So we need a healthy amount of anger, enough to act, but not so much to become aggressive.

We also studied the words of the prophets. And I was reminded of a scripture in Doctrine & Covenants 121: 43, quote: "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;" I remember I was very young (probably not 18 yet) when president Gordon B. Hinkley spoke about it, and he said if we are angry, Holy Ghost leaves us alone, He gets offended by screams and mistreat, so that reproving isn't guided by Him. This impacted me, I was always told that unkind reproves were driven by the Holy Ghost, and it was the way; yet it wasn't. President Brigham Young said: "Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you" (Discourses of Brigham Young, 1954) and that touched my heart, love instead of hate, study them and their dispositions. So we can figure out firsthand when they are able to listen and even how to speak so we can reach their hearts, but also when we need to take some time off, enough to calm and decide how to talk and even what to say, because if we have their trust they will listen.

Not so long ago, President of the Church of Jesus Christ, Russell M Nelson (2023), taught us: 

Being a peacemaker is a challenge, especially at home, yet the most important place to choose to be a peacemaker. As parents this might mean taking a time to breathe and think twice about what to say, how to act, and how to respond. 

I love my family, that's for sure, and even when so much time has passed, I'm open to learn, and change, and make "my" new best effort, this one that responds to the new learnings... And maybe that learnings aren't even new, and just re-organized to best help us at this time in life. Let's keep on learning, and re writing life

Cora

Care for self... a change of mindset

As a student of BYU Pathway Worldwide, I have classes that last 7 weeks, weeks with lots of reading and hard work. The class I'm taking is "Parenting Skills" and I need to give a little context here. 2026 has started with a family challenge that puts our lives upside down. We live at home with the younger two, teenagers (17 & 14) There was something happening that challenged us from the deepest, and even shook our hearts and feelings. At the beginning we felt sad... Personally I felt I have failed "them" as a mom. I struggled hard, and cried even harder. This was a humbling time, with a lot of learning. First of all, acknowledging I don't need to "do it all alone", even though I probably can, that I can rely on my husband and we can do it together (shouldn’t it be obvious? Maybe not…). And we started, searching for help, praying for help and guidance, reading, studying, etc. And I started feeling there actually was a way of putting it all together; it's in that moment of pondering when the block began.

Yes, we did a lot of things, but I was having doubts and sometimes felt lost. Then I started feeling I needed to "come back" to be myself. I had somehow abandoned everything that wasn't "the thing" (let's call it that way) And I started having some ideas of "selfcare" when the first week of study arrived... You wouldn't guess the topic: "Care for self" And I felt that synchronicity as an answer…

I was really pondering that, “I need to take time for myself, I can’t hold others if I can’t hold me” … And the first reading was a quote, from President Marion G. Romney, (1982)

"Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak."

("The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance" October 1982 General Conference)

What a powerful thought, how can I properly care for my children if I don’t care for myself? If my shelves are empty; I cannot take anything from there. How can I care for my children if I am not caring for my relationship with my spouse? My answer was in the Parenting Pyramid, by the Arbinger Company (1998). I learned that it doesn’t begin with the correction. I'll share the pyramid and a brief explanation:

My analysis is based in questions, starting from up to down with the following one: 

Am I correcting my children without teaching them first? What I learnt is that I need to create trust so, when it's time to teach, they will pay attention because us, parents, paid attention, and listened first. 

And because it can't be any other way, correction is based on the relationship with our children, how do I relate with them? If there's distance (it has happened with our kids) because we "are too busy" they don't rely on us, how can we teach them? We need to strengthen the bonds with them before being able to teach. And then, we can teach because we have that bond. Bonds are strengthened by sharing time together and listening, what “they say in the words they don’t actually say”.

"The effectiveness of our correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship." (Arbinger, 1998)

Then comes the realization that the kind of relationship we have with our kids will relate to the kind of relationship we have with our spouse. The marital relationship is not isolated; it is central for the family. Someone once said (Arbinger 1998):

“A woman happy with her husband is better for her children than a hundred books on child welfare.” 

So, my relationship with my spouse will be the base to the relationship with our children, and once there is a relationship that includes respect and trust, we will be able to teach and be listened to, and even correct when needed.

But we still have one more step. What I felt back in the beginning of this year was the "it", WHO AM I? The way I really am, not the way I speak or move, not the lovely words... the way of being. 

"Our personal way of being directly affects every other part of the pyramid." (Arbinger 1998)

And we have coherence in the pyramid, based on a way of being where we take care of ourselves so our shelves are not empty, and care for our marriage. Then we can build and/or strengthen the bond with children and once we are there, they are ready to listen to our teachings, and accept our corrections if needed. There might be times, also, that we need an urgent correction, no time to create the whole base… then we will need to remember basing that correction in the 3 more profound stages: Care for self, the relationship with the spouse and the relationship with children. 

“In such extreme circumstances it may be a long time before we are in a position to teach. But that’s precisely what the pyramid reminds us: premature teaching will not be effective anyway. As we are patient, and as we do all we can where we can, we can make a deep and genuine difference in the life of even the most unhappy child.” (Arbinger 1998)

Maybe we rushed the correction, maybe we and them weren’t ready, and now is time to pause and recalculate, pause while acting, while applying, while changing… because that is life too.

And I loved learning this!!! Like a glove, so accurate…

                                                                                                    Cora.