Praising to motivate?

I think one of the hardest challenges in life, especially in this 21st century,  is how we feel about ourselves. I believe in this world there are two forces, one that leads us towards Jesus and His light; and the other that leads to a dark place, a place that makes us feel lost. 

There's a story in the Scriptures about Moses, he faced Heavenly Father once and the Lord's glory was upon him, so he could endureth, in Moses 1:4 the Lord tells Moses, "behold, thou art my son", and in verses 6 and 7 He says again, "Moses, my son"... affirming Moses he was a son of Heavenly Father, as we are. Once the Lord leaves Moses, Satan comes and the first thing he says is: "Moses, son of man"... (verse 12) So one of the forces teaches us we have a divine origin and inheritance, but the other tells us we are only human, just a mortal.

When we are little, we usually are confident, but staying in this world makes us lose that confidence. We start doubting, comparing, and feeling "not good enough", so learning about praise and bribes was really important. 

We, as parents, want our kids to feel their best, so we try to motivate them, and when it doesn't work, we feel tempted and sometimes even fall for it, and we bribe our kids. And I wonder... is bribery bad? Why do we praise our kids? Does it even help?

I'll share some quotes of what I've learned, and a story...

Dr. Steve Dennis from BYU Idaho stated "bribes seldom, if ever, inspire continued efforts." Bribes don't effectively motivate children in the long run. They buy temporary compliance, but do little to change the heart or long-term interest in the enterprise for which the reward has been given." And the question would come... What about rewards? And what's the difference between bribes and rewards? 

"The problem comes when parents use rewards or punishments that are neither authentic nor logical (but) arbitrary and have no connection to the situation… grounding a child from television or computer access would be an arbitrary consequence that lacks the instructive focus of natural or logical consequences. Actively teaching, modeling, and cultivating a love for the internal and authentic reasons for acting will help children become agents unto themselves. The scriptures teach, "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward." (D&C 58:27-28)." (Ginott)

The thing is, every decision brings consequences attached, natural ones are like: you go out with no coat under the rain, you'll get wet. But when we parents lose our temper and feel frustrated, sometimes we don't have more tools and decide a punishment that, we think, will teach them. Without any logic, without sense. So our kids end up feeling misunderstood, invisible, and feeling what they think is not important. We don't feel better about punishment. Another tool, a very dangerous one if you allow me, is bribing. "If you do so and so (a condition) I'll give you..." (something they want) because this teaches our children that for every effort they will be paid, even efforts that they should do because it's a responsibility. And that, that doesn't teach anything. They do, mostly for the bribe, but they don't learn, not even enjoy,  and it doesn't last. As I quoted before, “buying temporary compliance”.

A reward is more natural. If you study, you'll approve. Even the Lord rewards us, if we obey the Sabbath (His holy day) we will have promised blessings. 

And believe me when I say bribe doesn't work. A year and a half ago I was in front of an issue. Something one of my children didn't want to do, yet I believed was important. So I "negotiate", if he/she does for a year, I'll give... we put a prize. And the thing was done. For a year. Not a single extra day. Nothing was real, but the prize. Nothing produced a change, an understanding, not even a belief. My child did, and I never realized it wasn't true. It was a stage. I had to do what I promised. There were no earnings. And the feeling was awful. No, it didn't work. 

Now we have the challenge of teaching what was really behind the expected behavior but not knowing if it will ever produce an outcome. It was hard, it is hard. But I learned. And when we studied this, I felt it was so personal!

Yes, we can and want to be motivated. Yes, they need it, they need feeling that we believe in them, they need the processes, they need our cheer on, but in a way that motivates, in a way that teaches. In a way that makes them realize life has rewards, in a way that changes lives, hopefully for the better. 

What's next…? I don't know, we don't know. But I never quit before, nor will I quit now!

                                                                  Cora